Posted by: tgonzales | December 12, 2012

December 12, 2012 Two Years Ago Today (Repost)

I realize I posted this a year ago, but I still feel the same about my brother Dean and I don’t think I could say any better words than I did a year ago. Don’t get me wrong; I feel so blessed to have had the time that I was able to spend with my brother and for all the good memories that no one will ever be able to take away from me. So here goes:

When I first started writing blog posts I decided that I would try to only write about lighthearted things. But when one year ago today I received a phone call that would change my family’s life in a way we could never imagine I then decided to only write about what I feel in my heart. Mostly my feelings are light but some of them are sad too.

One year ago today I received a phone call from my Mom saying that Dean was gone. I remember asking her where did he go, what do you mean? She said, “he’s dead and me and your Dad are heading to Kingman to be with Ann (his wife) and the kids.” I felt lost and felt like someone had ripped out a piece of my heart. I started to cry and wondered where should I go? I felt helpless. My Mom had tasked me with calling everyone, so I tried to call my sister and remembered that she was attending my niece Emilee’s college graduation ceremony.

So I told John that I needed to go home; even though no one was there I felt like I needed to be there when my Mom and Daddy got home. Upon arriving home I remembered I didn’t have a key so I went to my oldest brothers’ house (Tom) who lives about a mile south of my Mom and Dad’s house. When I arrived there I found that my sister-in-law Linda had just woke Tom up to tell him the news.

When I walked in I found my brother in his underwear curled up in a fetal position sobbing. All I could do was sit down next to him while we both held each other and cried. He kept saying over and over the date of Dean’s birth and how he didn’t remember much of his life before Dean was born and now how could he go on without him. We just sat together in silence not knowing what to do or what to say but we knew life wouldn’t be the same without Dean. As we held each other I thought about Dean’s wife, children, grandchildren, my brothers, my sister, and my Mom and Daddy, and then the tears would flow again.

My childhood memories would come flooding back too, how we played hours upon hours outside when the weather was good,

and all those many hours spent playing together just the 5 of us inside the house.

Then when each of us got married and had our own families Dean would always be the one to call and update me on the milestones of his children and then the grandchildren came along.

He was so proud of all of them and would call me often to make sure he updated me. Then I would share stories about my children and grandchildren.

What was I going to do without the phone calls on updates and that special phone call wishing me a happy birthday?

Well I can tell you right now that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of Dean and all I know is that he took a piece of my heart with him when he left us on December 12, 2010.

I still can’t help but think that he went first to pave the way for the rest of us, because that’s just the kind of son, brother, husband, daddy, and grandpa he was.

I love you Deanie and will never forget you; ever.

I hope you all enjoyed some of the childhood photos that I included in this post. I just love looking at old pictures and remembering all the good times that I had as a child. I remember this one just like it was yesterday; Dean told me that he got his arm cut off and I was trying to pull on his sleeve to see if he was telling me the truth or not. He drug me all over the house while I was hanging on to his sleeve.

This one has a caption on the back that says, “Dr. Kingery’s office and his patients. She’s getting a shot. Pretty office, huh?” This is my Mother’s handwriting so I know she sent this photo to her mother; updating her on what was happening at our house. I especially like this photo as it shows my brothers holding dolls and Dean is giving me a shot. I can still see his face with that little smirk that he displayed when he was trying not to smile.


  1. It’s hard losing your loved ones. My dad’s 2nd birthday just passed since he left us, although he’s only been gone a year. You lost your brother and your father within a year. That’s very hard. Huge hugs. xxxxx

    • Thanks Kathy for stopping by and I know no matter how long it is it’s still hard and thanks for understanding.

      Hugs Back to you,

  2. When my children were small a wise friend told me that “life was about making memories so make good ones.” That was very meaningful to me and I’ve tried to always act and be happy. Sometimes we are thrown a curve and a sadness creeps in and that’s when we can do what you’re doing, remembering all the happy times.You are an influential person and I’m glad our paths have crossed.

    • Kaye,

      Thank you for sharing your memories from a wise friend. I feel the same way as you do in that I’m so glad that our paths have crossed too. They say that God brings people into your lives for a reason and I know that he’s brought you into my life for a very special reason.


  3. “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”

    This is a beautiful post, Aunt Tammy. Love you!


    • Emilee,

      I love this saying, it made me cry. Love you too and thanks for stopping by to comment.

      Aunt Tammy

  4. Sending you love, love, love today, Tamara. Thank you for sharing.


    • Thanks Steph for stopping by and I can feel your love all the way over here. 🙂

      Love you,

  5. Thanks for sharing this. I did so well today with the kids being here until I read this. They all stared at me like I had lost my mind. I think I actually have. My life turned upside down on this day last year. I have lost a huge piece of my life. I may not have had the best relationship with my Dad, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him with all my heart. I miss him so much and think of him constantly. I remember you being at Gma & Papa’s house when we pulled up to bring them home. I am just so glad I called them that day and offered them a ride out there. I just knew he was going to be put in the hospital and then come home in a week. I never thought we would never see him again. Thank you again for sharing this, even if it did make a mess out of me! 🙂 I love you Aunt Tammy!

    • Shannon,

      I didn’t mean to make you cry and you don’t know how many tears I cried as I wrote it and while I was looking at the pictures. I just write from my heart and it had to come out or I would explode. I am so glad that you are reading my blog and thanks for stopping to comment. I love you and always will.

      Aunt Tammy

  6. Oh Tamara, I wish you could be sitting here with me so I could hold you, and you could just ‘BE’ in the moment. I can’t believe Dean’s been gone for a year! After reading your post, I certainly feel your sadness today. Yet I also feel your joy from so many loving childhood memories. The photos are great; the memories that go along with them are …. beyond words. The BONDS OF LOVE within your family are so precious & admirable. May God’s peace & love abide with you & your family during this holiday season.
    Much love ~ Kat

    • Kat,

      Thanks for being here and wanting to be with me while I am going through this. I know the sadness will become bearable eventually, but like you say I will always have my memories. Thanks again for stopping to comment and I felt your hugs while I read your comment.

      Love to you and your family,

  7. Tamara, Thanks for the tribute to Dean. I couldn’t go to work on Monday. I didn’t think I could see everyone without crying and didn’t want to have to explain to all the kids for the tears. I still have days that I expect him to come in from the shop and ask what’s for dinner or if I can make something for him to take to work. I miss him so much especially at night. Maybe that’s why I’m still up. I love all of you so much. I appreciate everything you do for me. Please don’t ever stop being my family.

    • Ann,

      Thanks for stopping by to comment. I love you and your family too and you will never, ever stop being family to any of us.

      Love and Hugs,

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